Sad and Overwhelmed

Why? Why do things seem to hit at the same time or does one hit and the others find an opportunity to join in the overwhelming party.

Marie my last girlfriend passed away

The one event that started this was finding out that my ex which was never really my ex died a week ago. I didn't even know that she was sick. Nobody told me and she didn't tell me that she got cancer 2 1/2 years ago and was fighting it with kemo and radiation. I didn't have time to prepare for it so I found out all at once that she had cancer and she died. Also found out that she had a boyfriend and married him in June just before she died.

It's been two days now and I walk around all day reminding myself that Marie is gone. It's like I have to repeat it thousands of times before it will sink in and be real. Right now I still feel she is alive at least in my head. It's just not possible.

I tried to write about Marie but that will have to wait till my mind settles down. For now. I have to take deep breaths, my asthma has come back after 40 years, I can't sleep more than a few hours and I still don't know that to think.

I was closer to Marie than anyone in my life except for my daughter. I learned about her and knew her better than anyone possibly could. I said to Marie once that I have learned the first chapter of her encyclopedia and it is six feet tall. I wasn't sure if I would be part of chapter two. 

I met Marie through a friend who knew of her and thought we would be a good match. I looked at her Facebook profile, thought she was a nice person and put it aside for two weeks. My friend asked why I hadn't contacted her yet and I said I wasn't ready for a relationship, not at least for six months. She persisted and I sent her a text and said that I looked at her profile and she looked like a nice person. She replied that whe was not so nice and said she was kidding. But in reality she was telling a half truth.

I called her and we talked on the phone for two hours. Then we set up our blind date to meet in a restaurant. She arrived earlier than me of course because I am never early and she is never late. As I walked in I saw her sitting at the bar. I knew right away it was her. I came up to her and introduced myself and she cordially said hello than in mid sentence I stopped and said "I wasn't expecting much but actually you are quite nice looking". She was not flashy, a bit dark and subdued but with a pink up to her neck angora sweater shirt with a dark over cardigan and black pants and shoes. Her hair was dark and her eyes were hazel grey and big. Her fingernails were not flashy either, just clear with the tips painted with a white border.

We moved over to dinner and talked for hours and had to leave when the place closed and we didn't notice that there was nobody else left in the restaurant.

Outside we walked over to my car and she saw my dog a big beautiful bouvier waiting for me. I think that's when she started to let me into her club. She loved dogs.

She invited me over to her place which was 20 kms away and I said I needed to stop to buy my dog some beef cubes for dinner first. We drove in our separate cars to the grocery store and when we got out at the IGA we got close and I kissed her. I had never done this or been so bold before but this was a kiss that opened eternity. The softest warmest kiss that will always be the first kiss. A kiss that is still on my lips forever.

We had many many more kisses and even though her lips were thin each was like the first, soft and warm until one day she turned her face away. But more on that later.

Wait I forgot to mention that this was in October 21st 2012, 13 years ago. Marie was 46, 13 years younger than me at 59 then and I am 72 now. Marie passed away at 59, exactly two months before her 60th birthday. Time doesn't change anything. Would you like to read more about my life with Marie? I will write more, maybe even set up a separate website and will leave a link here.